My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
