you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
