I think im going to throw up on grandma
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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