I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
