I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
