It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
