Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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