So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
