A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
