I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
