I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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