Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
