Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
