Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
