i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
