Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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