My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
