Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
