Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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