so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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