have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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