I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
