looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
