Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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