Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
