well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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