I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
