where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
