dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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