the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
