Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
