alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
