Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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