I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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