That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
