When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
