My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
