worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
