Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
