can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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