I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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