You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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