true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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