I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
