fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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