I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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