It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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