he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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