Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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