Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
