good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
worst night to have a conscience
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
