Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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